Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Ten Reasons to Follow Someone on Twitter.

Ten Reasons to Follow Someone on Twitter.

1. They are hot. If they were famous, you'd buy the People's magazines with the latest scoop on their cellulite. If you had their address, you'd mail them you're dirty underwear; if you had their cell number you'd text them R rated photos of yourself. You'd browse Google images for naked pictures of them. You might even spend that extra five bucks to get their amateur porn from fifteen years ago.

2. They pone you in every way possible. They say the shit you wish you had thought of first. They have a better icon than you. They have more friends than you. They make you feel cool just by reading their material.

3. They're your friend. You have an obsessive concern with their personal hygiene and must know exactly when and how they are brushing their teeth. You have to know when Sally broke up with Jimmy. And you have to know if he scored first.

4. They are famous. Whether they are on the A list or the D list, or they are famous from a glitched twitter bot that just gifted them with a million followers, everyone loves them so you might as well jump on the band wagon.

5. They are your family. You'd like to pretend that Herman Melville the Third, the super-black sheep of your family, doesn't exist; but he just keeps friending you on Facebook and RTing your Tweets. You feel kind of obligated to at least return the favor. I mean if you don't follow him, who will?

6. They followed you first. Eh, if they are that interested in what's going on with you then maybe you should as well. It's not like you have anything better to do anyway. Or maybe you're just really nice.

7. You're trying to get famous. You'll follow just about everyone, cause those #6ers are out there somewhere and your books and cds wont just sell themselves in this crap economy. Who's interested in sustainable rutabaga gardening or copper tea-pot jazz in New York City? You need to reach your target audience.

8. They are you're news source. Face it, these days, no one has time to read those lengthy New York Times articles. You need fast reliable news in 140 characters or less. How else would you have found out Iran was having an election or that Michael Jackson had died? And who the hell is Farrah Fawcett? Talk about cultural enrichment!

9. They are interested in the same stuff as you are. In a world that is now dominated by Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, it's hard to find another Harry Potter and Hermione Granger 'shipper. We've got to stick together or loose to the forces of vampiric evil and Fanfic sites!

10. You are looking for love. It's so hard to meet people after you graduate. Especially if you are an RPG playing, Mac toting, triple-bypass surgery suffering, ex-DDR champion who's addicted to pocky. Besides, do you know how hard it is to find another Furry? Especially a badger?